The Presbyter's Page
Electronic Edition – September 2003
Section 12 - LA
District UPCI
Donald Bryan - Presbyter
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Ten
Principles for Getting Along With Difficult People
Ten
Commandments of Confrontation
Ten
Strategies For An Associate Minister
Mandatory
Reporting of Suspected Child Abuse by Clergy
Solving Dilemmas
(I Kings 3:16-28)
The king was facing two emotional angry women. Both
were declaring that the child with them was hers and not the other woman’s
child. Each mother’s claim was emotional but obviously both of them could not
be the mother. In that time, well before DNA tests and other methods of
identifying an individual existed, there was no way to determine to which
mother the child really belonged. But, the king on the throne was no ordinary
king. He was Solomon. Solomon was
anointed with such Godly wisdom and understanding that when confronted with the
dilemma of the two mothers both declaring that a certain child was her own, he
knew the answer to the dilemma. This famous story about Solomon highlights not
only the difficulty of dilemmas, but also the necessity of supernatural wisdom
to resolve the outcome. Ministers face dilemmas everyday and often feel that
they live “between a rock and a hard place.”
Stuck between two possibilities or choices where an
argument could be made for going either way, the minister often feels that he
is in a no-win situation. Such is the difficulty of a dilemma. There are
different kinds of dilemmas. Some involve people and working with them. Others
involve financial situations. Some are moral choices. Still yet others involve
even life choices. For instance, should an individual who has been declared
brain dead with no hope of recovery but on life support, be kept alive through
mechanical means? Such dilemmas are often targeted at the minister.
Technology, science and the complication of people’s lives have created
entire new areas of dilemmas and our development of ethics has not kept pace
with advancements in technology. For instance, if life begins at conception
(and I believe it does) what should happen to unwanted fertilized cells created
in Petri dishes? Is this destroying life?
And on it goes each day.
Faced with such intractable options, ministers much feel the need for
Solomonic wisdom. So what do you do? How do you resolve dilemmas? The first and
obvious step is to ask for wisdom. James 1:5 declares that wisdom will be given
if asked for. This prayer for wisdom should be a daily event in a minister’s
life. Next, he should decide if a decision has to be made. Occasionally, no
decision is the wisest choice. Don’t try to resolve it. But if a decision has
to be made, then the minister should realize that he can’t resolve both issues
and sides of a dilemma. He has to choose because of the nature of the dilemma.
This choice should be based upon some principle in Scripture that best
fits the problem. He must accept that one party of the dilemma will probably be
upset if it isn’t resolved in his favor. Once the minister has concluded what
principle in the Bible to base his decision on, he should be consistent in his
use of this principle. Apply it fairly.
Resolving
dilemmas for a minister will never be easy, neither will they disappear.
Dilemmas are part of ministry. But God grants wisdom, and ministers exercise
righteous judgment. Pray and then choose and leave the results to God
Ten Principles for Getting Along
With Difficult People
1.
Maintain your confidence by being in right relationship with God. You can’t be objective or
discerning if you’re not in good standing with God. A strong relationship with
God gives you the grace and confidence to deal properly with difficult people.
2.
Remember over-reacting will only accentuate the conflict and confuse
the issue.
3.
Hold realistic expectations. Make sure the difficult person can reach your
expectations. You may be expecting him to do or be something that is
impossible.
4.
Quit trying to change the difficult person. Give up your rights and
expectations regarding this person.
Accept the fact that you can’t change him, but you can change your
reactions to him.
5.
Refuse to play his games. He may attempt to use you or make you feel guilty
or obligated. Recognize the emotional games, and don’t participate.
6.
Don’t allow yourself to become the difficult person’s slave. Be honest with yourself and
learn to say no.
7.
Keep a proper spirit and attitude. Maintaining credibility is the greatest
struggle. Don’t let bitterness, anger, or resentment grow.
8.
Allow God to lead you in dealing with the difficult person. There are no easy answers
or set patterns to dealing with Him. The Holy Spirit will give guidance.
9.
Confront immediately. Don’t put off facing the conflict. It only makes
matters worse.
10. Demonstrate godly
compassion.
The basis for getting along with people is found in Jesus’ words. A religious
leader asked Jesus what was the greatest commandment in the Law. Jesus
responded, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul
and with all your mind”. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “Love your
neighbor as yourself”. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two
commandments” (Matthew 22:23-40, NIV).
It’s easy to love those who love us and those who are
easy to get along with. But how do you treat the stranger, the difficult
person, that person you don’t really understand, can’t relate to and don’t
really care about? Jesus said that is the true test of our character and love.
Ten Commandments of
Confrontation
1. Do it privately, not
publicly.
2. Do it as soon as possible.
3. Speak to one issue at a
time.
4. Once you’ve made a point
don’t keep repeating it.
5. Deal only with behaviors
the person can change.
6. Avoid sarcasm.
7. Avoid words like “always”
and “never”.
8. Present criticisms as
suggestions or questions if possible.
9. Don’t apologize for the
confrontation.
10. Don’t forget the compliments.
Ten Strategies For An
Associate Minister
1.
Ask for a clear job description. Most staff conflicts occur because of ill-defined
expectations. Associates must know roles they fulfill and what goals they
fulfill and what goals they are expected to reach.
2.
Develop a servant’s heart. The associate’s job is to serve and help make the
senior pastor successful.
3.
Practice submission. Associate pastors model biblical submission by cheerfully responding
to and cooperating with their senior pastors.
4.
Seek understanding. Senior pastors listen to associates who have teachable spirits.
5.
Suggest alternatives without pressure. Associates can offer new
perspectives on decisions, programs, and schedules, but should not feel hurt or
angry if their ideas are rejected.
6.
Represent the senior pastor accurately. An associate must not
discuss the senior pastor’s weaknesses publicly. Treat senior pastors with
integrity, kindness, and courtesy, and they will respond in kind.
7.
Communicate. Weekly reports go a long way in keeping the senior pastor informed.
Senior pastors don’t like unwelcome surprises.
8.
Don’t harbor negative feelings. Senior
pastors make mistakes. If it is minor, forget it. If it is major, explain your
concern privately. Either way, process the hurt, and do not let it fester.
9.
Contribute to healthy staff meetings. Associate pastors can help develop warm
relationships among staff by participating fully in staff meetings.
10. Do your best for Jesus. Associate pastors have key
roles in championing the Lord’s work by doing their best. Positive attitudes go
a long way in fostering joy and team spirit on a church staff.
Mandatory Reporting of
Suspected
Child Abuse by Clergy
Senate Bill No. 383, passed by the Louisiana Legislature in June,
modified reporting requirements for clergy in cases of suspected child abuse.
The following provides a brief summary of the law in this area and the
relevant changes:
1.
Prior Law- La. Children’s Code Art. 603 provides for “the reporting of suspected
cases of abuse, exploitation, or neglect of children.” Prior to the 2003
Regular Session and the enactment of SB 383, the designation of “mandatory
reporter” included health care workers, social workers, counselors, etc.
specifically excluded from the “mandatory reporter”
designation were priests, rabbis, and ordained ministers, who may have
“acquired knowledge of abuse or neglect from a person during a confession or
other sacred communication.” a member of the clergy was required to encourage
that person to report, but had no legal duty to report anything himself.
2.
New
Law– SB 383
amended La. Ch.C.Art 603 to include all members of
the clergy as “mandatory reporters” of any suspected cases of abuse,
exploitation, or neglect of children.
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